Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm so tired...

Because I'm sick of sitting around waiting for things to happen. Because when I take things into my own hands they fall apart. Because I allow myself to care. Because I don't care when I should. Because I get ticked off and blow up at someone and don't do the right thing. Because I don't want to do the right thing. Because I'm sick of doing the right thing. Because sleep does not make up for exhaustion. Because I feel like talking to someone, ANYONE but I don't have the right words. Because they wouldn't understand anyway. Because I know what they will say and it's not what I want to hear. Because I don't want to hear what I need to hear. Because I know what I should do, but.... I won't. Because I am so confused I don't know what to think anymore. Because I procastinate. Because I let my emotions lead me through life. Because my emotions are unstable. Because I allow my to get frustrated too easily. Because I think no one cares. Because I KNOW I'm loved but there's still that nagging feeling. Because I'M the listener and surround myself with talkers. Because I'm afraid of what people think. Because I'm whining about everything to a bunch of people who barely know me. Because I keep it all inside. Because I don't give my full entire trust to any one person. Because.... this was a perfectly fine day until I decided to get ticked at someone. Because everyday is a perfectly fine day but I'm never satisfied. Because I'm a coward. Because I have become too good an actress in life. Because I'm a hypocrite. Because all my friends think I'm always happy. Because I act like a perfect little Christian but when it comes down to it I'm not. Because everytime I tell myself I will go back to God, I stray once again. Because I will probably scare off every one of my followers when they read this raw, vulnerable post. Because I have not been true to myself like my very motto of this blog encourages.
Because I doubt anyone will even read this.
Because I go through life as a Jane Doe


  1. Wow. That was really deep. But I think you should know that you're special and no matter what happens there's someone who will help you through it. Don't give up, girly! God loves you and he'll never leave you :))
    -Jocee <3
    P.S. I read this post! I hope I count :P

  2. *jaw drops* How in the world did you manage to write down exactly what I feel?!?! You know that is a gift. ;) I was/am in your shoes now... It's kinda like people tell you all the time to just "be yourself," but it's like, well, what if you don't know who you are, you know? But anyways, not sure that that had anything to do with the post... Seriously though, you've written down EXACTLY how I feel. My friends think I am Miss Perfect LIttle Christian too and umm, no, I am not! *sigh* And I know, too, what you mean about not thinking anyone cares. Because, I'm there to listen to them but they aren't there to listen to me. Yeah.
    And no, you didn't scare me off. If I could, I'd follow you again.
    My remedy? Take a deep breath, go get some ice cream, and turn to Psalms. Park there for a little bit. Maybe say one of the Psalms there as a prayer. I'm learning in one of my Bible classes that that's what the Psalms are there for--worship and prayer. :) It's perfect because sometimes we don't know what to say. Then get a good night's sleep. Believe me--everything looks better in the morning!!
    And maybe you think you're just another average person, but (and I need to keep telling myself this too) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. And UNIQUE. And CREATIVE. Don't believe me? He gives you the sun, moon and stars, sandy beaches, and inspiration, movies and chocolate. Face it girl, He's crazy about you. =]

  3. wow. I have never found someone who can write exactly what I'm feeling.
    I'm really sorry I've been a bad follower to you lately. I haven't ever really commented, so I'm going to try to start being better at it now.
    Oh and as for the penpal thing, my mom gave me full permission for it. As long as she thinks you aren;t a creepy stalker, she normally doesn't mind those things :)
    P.S I don't know why I never commented. I love your blog.

  4. Thank you so much all of you! I was having a crappy day and as I eluded to, I had a bit of an agrument with someone. I apologized and we worked it out. Its all good now!
    May Amelia and Liz, I'm so glad that this post helped you where you are. I love how God can take my horribly crappy day and use my fustrations to help others... Hearing that was even better :)
    People tell me I have a way with words.... I didn't feel like I was saying anything.... well...well. It mostly was just emotional barf as I like to call it.
    Liz - Don't worry about! COnsidering I'VE been a horrible blogger lately (or lack of, as the case may be...)
    Thats great!! I promise I'm not a creepy stalker! Well.... thats debately... but I am who I say! haha

  5. This post was brilliant-I definitely read it, and I wish I could follow again too ^. I think the most important thing to help you through when you're feeling semi-explosive to ask yourself 'how much does this REALLY matter?' whenever emotions start to escalate. 'Is this worth getting angry and ruining my own day, or can I let it go?'… and God knows I can sympathize with the 'perfect little Christian' bull. The fact is, NO little Christian is perfect, we're all human and flawed, and when so many live in denial of that fact, we're all at fault for hypocrisy. You acknowledging that you aren't perfect is actually a great thing-people who demand it from themselves are miserable and at some point will break down under the pressure they put on themselves. When I was younger, I acted like everything was okay, like I was happy, like I was a perfect little Christian, like I cared about my life… and my family was falling apart, and I'd been suffering from depression for years, and I almost gave up that life I'd stopped valuing… and none of my friends knew a thing about it. But God saved me, and in the end His love can save us from anything, including ourselves, if we let Him. If you ever need someone to talk to, know I'm willing to listen-I haven't been a great follower or commenter, because of insane busyness, but I do care, and have felt like you feel, and know that you can break free from it with work and help from Him (and finding one person with whom I was truly honest about my life completely changed me, and helped me over time to realize what mattered and what didn't, by writing my heart out in five page emails xD). Anyway, I appreciate rawness and complete honesty, and think it was brave of you to let yourself be so vulnerable. You aren't just another Jane Doe-that's just what you're letting us call you for now :).